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Movie Review – ‘Ocean’s 13’ Is Unbelievable, And That’s No Compliment
June 17, 2007
by Taylor Pero
The best thing about the screening of Ocean’s 13 was that I got home in time to enjoy Kathy Griffin’s new show on Bravo. To say that the movie was less than hoped for is being kind and generous. When it comes to movies, I am not kind or generous. Ocean’s 13 is an overblown, over-hyped, ill-conceived waste of money and talent. The plot, if you can follow it,
is preposterous. Somebody should have shot the writers while they were at their computers so as not to have more drivel flowing from their fingertips. So ask me . . . did I like it? Hardly. I was thinking of leaving halfway through it. Why? I’ll tell you why.
George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia, Don Cheadle, Al Pacino and Ellen Barkin are all included in the less than memorable cast. There are no opening credits. The movie just starts. There’s a heist in progress, and we’re supposed to be in on it. Someone gets a phone call and walks out of a make-believe vault. Suddenly he’s in the air on a private jet. Better it should have crashed. I think the reason for having no opening credits was so that the audience wouldn’t know the people to blame.
Do you enjoy looking up people’s noses? I don’t. There are things in there I’d rather not know about. This entire movie is filmed looking up people’s noses. It’s as if every shot is from the floor looking up. Brad Pitts’ nose is OK and so is George Clooney’s, but what the heck was the director thinking? I figured they spent so much money on actors they couldn’t afford even a table to put the camera on. I haven’t a clue what that’s all about but will most likely find out at the next awards show when it’s acknowledged as the newest thing in filmmaking.
Do you like to see people smirking? I don’t. It’s lame and an easy out. George Clooney has smirking down to a science, and Brad Pitt is almost as accomplished. They strut and preen and are so full of themselves on screen I thought I’d have a diabetic attack. Smirking is not the way to win over an audience.
Then we have Al Pacino doing a replay of every character he’s ever been. In Ocean’s 13 however, somebody who must hate him takes every advantage of showing us how short he is. Until seeing this movie, I had no idea his mighty talent is confined to such a small body. A casino crowd scene shows Pacino is the shortest human being among a cast of hundreds. So, OK … they put a lot of would-be actors to work and helped the economy. That’s about as kind and generous as I
can get.
Is anyone a fan of Ellen Barkin? I’m not. She’s hard on the eyes and has a mouth like a torn pocket. Her character is not only ruthless and cold, but dumb. When asked by a big-nosed Matt Damon to take him to a private place where they can get it
on, she takes him to the impenetrable fortress in the sky where all the diamonds are kept. Of course this had to happen in order for the rest of the unbelievable story to take place. How convenient. And get this: Barkin’s character is seduced by Damon’s character after he carefully places a microchip of pheromones on his neck. She takes a whiff (shown in close-up) and turns from cold bitch into a sex-starved seductress … played very unconvincingly. I felt sorry for Damon having to play the love scene with her.
So who else can I pick on and insult? Just everybody who tried to piece all the shards of this film into a cohesive plot and failed miserably. There are so many subplots and double-dealings going on that it all becomes a blur. Not even on DVD do I recommend it. I give it minus-10 stars.
Even the soundtrack is awful. Much too loud and jarring. Are you following me here? Am I being too vague? Can you spell fiasco?
You know that old saying, “They don’t make ’em like they used to”? It applies to the current crop of misfits running (ruining) Hollywood. It seems there is no effort to be good anymore. It’s all so much pabulum passing for humor and glamour and intelligence. We are in ominous freefall toward a society of mindless zombies being spoon-fed the lie that what comes from Hollywood must be good and we should be the first in line to slam down our money so the greedy bastards pulling our strings can prosper.
So, OK … off my soapbox. I’m done now. Fini. Over it. I think I’ll go to a movie.
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Contact Taylor Pero at kccritic@gmail.com
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