Movie Review Ė ĎOceanís 13í Is Unbelievable, And Thatís No Compliment
June 17, 2007
by Taylor Pero
The best thing about the screening of Oceanís 13 was that I got home in time to enjoy Kathy Griffinís new show on Bravo. To say that the movie was less than hoped for is being kind and generous. When it comes to movies, I am not kind or generous. Oceanís 13 is an overblown, over-hyped, ill-conceived waste of money and talent. The plot, if you can follow it,
is preposterous. Somebody should have shot the writers while they were at their computers so as not to have more drivel flowing from their fingertips. So ask me . . . did I like it? Hardly. I was thinking of leaving halfway through it. Why? Iíll tell you why.
George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia, Don Cheadle, Al Pacino and Ellen Barkin are all included in the less than memorable cast. There are no opening credits. The movie just starts. Thereís a heist in progress, and weíre supposed to be in on it. Someone gets a phone call and walks out of a make-believe vault. Suddenly heís in the air on a private jet. Better it should have crashed. I think the reason for having no opening credits was so that the audience wouldnít know the people to blame.
Do you enjoy looking up peopleís noses? I donít. There are things in there Iíd rather not know about. This entire movie is filmed looking up peopleís noses. Itís as if every shot is from the floor looking up. Brad Pittsí nose is OK and so is George Clooneyís, but what the heck was the director thinking? I figured they spent so much money on actors they couldnít afford even a table to put the camera on. I havenít a clue what thatís all about but will most likely find out at the next awards show when itís acknowledged as the newest thing in filmmaking.
Do you like to see people smirking? I donít. Itís lame and an easy out. George Clooney has smirking down to a science, and Brad Pitt is almost as accomplished. They strut and preen and are so full of themselves on screen I thought Iíd have a diabetic attack. Smirking is not the way to win over an audience.
Then we have Al Pacino doing a replay of every character heís ever been. In Oceanís 13 however, somebody who must hate him takes every advantage of showing us how short he is. Until seeing this movie, I had no idea his mighty talent is confined to such a small body. A casino crowd scene shows Pacino is the shortest human being among a cast of hundreds. So, OK Ö they put a lot of would-be actors to work and helped the economy. Thatís about as kind and generous as I
Is anyone a fan of Ellen Barkin? Iím not. Sheís hard on the eyes and has a mouth like a torn pocket. Her character is not only ruthless and cold, but dumb. When asked by a big-nosed Matt Damon to take him to a private place where they can get it
on, she takes him to the impenetrable fortress in the sky where all the diamonds are kept. Of course this had to happen in order for the rest of the unbelievable story to take place. How convenient. And get this: Barkinís character is seduced by Damonís character after he carefully places a microchip of pheromones on his neck. She takes a whiff (shown in close-up) and turns from cold bitch into a sex-starved seductress Ö played very unconvincingly. I felt sorry for Damon having to play the love scene with her.
So who else can I pick on and insult? Just everybody who tried to piece all the shards of this film into a cohesive plot and failed miserably. There are so many subplots and double-dealings going on that it all becomes a blur. Not even on DVD do I recommend it. I give it minus-10 stars.
Even the soundtrack is awful. Much too loud and jarring. Are you following me here? Am I being too vague? Can you spell fiasco?
You know that old saying, ďThey donít make íem like they used toĒ? It applies to the current crop of misfits running (ruining) Hollywood. It seems there is no effort to be good anymore. Itís all so much pabulum passing for humor and glamour and intelligence. We are in ominous freefall toward a society of mindless zombies being spoon-fed the lie that what comes from Hollywood must be good and we should be the first in line to slam down our money so the greedy bastards pulling our strings can prosper.
So, OK Ö off my soapbox. Iím done now. Fini. Over it. I think Iíll go to a movie.
Contact Taylor Pero at firstname.lastname@example.org